10 Things You Must Do If You Want To Guarantee You Won't Find A Job

What an experience! I've spent the last month looking for sales professionals with some astonishing results. I have distilled my favorites in the following "top ten" list. Use any of them to make unquestionably certain you won't find a job.

1. Don't bother to read my ad carefully. After all, I didn't list those qualifications for an important reason. What's genuinely important is to get a certain number of resumes out the door. Then you can moan about how you sent out 500 resumes and got zero responses.
    
2. Send me a note ordering me to call you "ASAP." Don't bother giving me a valid reason to call you. Your unmitigated arrogance will send me scurrying to the telephone immediately.
    
3. Don't bother having a resume ready to go. I'm not actually interested in your qualifications, so it will be fine to keep me waiting days for your resume. I love to waste time.
    
4. Don't bother to follow my instructions. I didn't really mean it when I asked applicants to send their resumes to a specific address. After all, I live to interrupt my work to answer your call.
    
5. Send your resume under someone else's name. Why would I assume it's someone else's resume when you've put their name on it? Silly me!
    
6. Include an objective that tells me you have no interest in my company.
   
   My all-time favorite career objective . . ."a job where I can make a lot of money fast." Hmm, the jobs I know of that provide "a lot of money fast" often include the possibility of spending time in jail. Otherwise, you might have to contribute something to your employer and make money a bit more slowly.
    
7. Don't bother to check your resume for spelling and grammar. After all, spelling and grammar are important only to fossils. It's your innate brilliance that will dazzle me!
    
8. Don't visit my website, and, above all, don't learn anything about my company. You have told me quite clearly that you are laser-focused . . . on yourself. What more could I want?
    
9. Make sure your telephone isn't answered. I have nothing better to do than to try over and over to reach you by phone (assuming you put your phone number in your resume). You just know I'll keep trying!
    
10. Don't bother to send me a thank you note. After all, it was to my benefit to spend time talking with you. Those old-fashioned courtesies are just a waste of everyone's time. Aren't they?

There you have it - my top ten list of things to do to be sure you won't find a job. Of course, if you really want to find employment. . .

Copyright © 2003 Phyllis Staff.

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