Survive Marital Infidelity by First Slowing Down

Sometimes it takes a knock alongside the head to suddenly awake us to what it is we REALLY want and need to do.

A day last week was like a day I never want to relive. No, it was worse than that.

First google took my site and pushed it down, down, down on a number of keywords. Bottom line: I lost almost half of new visitors to my site. Another bottom line: my stomach started to turn and I could feel the fear and anger swirling in my chest. I've worked so hard building this site and a blankety blank computer swarming robot throws it away!

And, get this... I was taking my daughter home the same day (she's married with family and helps me with break free) and I got a speeding ticket. My first in more than a decade.

I picked up the phone and called my colleague and confidant, Jeri Swantack, and she was actually delighted. No kidding!

She said, "Robert, you are going too fast!"

"No lie, I got a ticket," I replied.

Now, I really did not mean that, she said. Something is telling you to stand back, look around, reorient yourself and move in the direction you REALLY want to go. Chill. It's time for a break."

You know what?

She was right.

Looking back over the past few months, I've focused on tasks that did not give pleasure, that did not fit who I am, what I'm great at.

I've been spinning my wheels - moving fast but going nowhere.

I've lost my direction. I've lost me. I've lost my connection to that which wants the best for me.

And I thought...

This is exactly what's at the core of the agony of infidelity or facing an extramarital affair.

You've lost your self, your direction. Your attention is riveted on him/her, every word, everything s/he does.

Your life (or lack of it) focuses on what is missing, what isn't there, what you're not getting.

And as you do that, you become more and more frantic. You move faster and faster, trying to wring from him/her something that s/he can't or won't give.

And, when you don't get what you really want, you only try harder, flailing with impulsively derived strategies that are an attempt to allieviate the pain of losing him/her and/or your hopes - all focused externally to you.

The pain accelerates. You think faster. You feel deeper. But the depth consists only of painful feelings and frightening images.

So, I took a couple days off and thought about what I REALLY want.

I had a great lunch with Jeri.

I've slowed down.

But, I still must pay my ticket.

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