Be Visible, Stay Visible: How Women Over 49 Can Command the Attention They Deserve

Has it happened to you yet? You make your entrance into a crowded room, you�re dressed to kill and not only do you fail to snag your prey, no one even looks up from their drink. Or unspeakably, they take one look and turn away with no visible sign of interest. This is called the no ripple effect but that�s a serious misnomer because a non-reception like that has a powerful effect: Your self image, confidence and outlook on life are rippled to shreds!

If like me, you were once a commanding presence and now all those roving eyes are on your sexually ripening daughter, join the you-must-have-been-a-beautiful-baby, but boomer, look at you now club.

You and I are not alone in our funk. The thousands of midlife women I coach all express concerns about creeping invisibility in both the personal and professional spheres of their lives.

Not long ago, the New York Times writer Daphne Merkin summed up our dread in a soul-curdling way: � When does it start, this feeling that you have a week-2 weeks uppermost-before you become irreversibly old and creepy, before you become all but invisible,/ the sort of woman no man will ever look at again and think �I want her.��

We may not always get our prey but we have plenty of predators. Out there lurk clever people, laughing at our fears all the way to the bank, cashing in on our willingness to buy expensive snake oil and undergo risky surgical procedures. While it is always a plus to look your best (and I�m all for makeovers, fitness regimes, color consultations and restorative getaways) there is no substitute for the powerful antidote to invisibility that comes from within.

Here�s the big secret: The most powerful elixir of visibility is something you can cultivate without spending a cent. It all begins with the truism that we are all visible � or not � in the context of an environment. AND the most influential environment of all is one that is actually invisible to the eye. Can you guess what it is? It is the environment of your own thoughts. As Deepak Chopra puts it, � our inner space is a rich field of silent intelligence and it exerts a powerful influence on us.�

The good news is that it is perfectly within your control to make sure that your �inner space� (that is the environment of your own self talk and belief systems) is one that helps you evolve into visibility rather than fade into extinction.

Limiting thoughts or beliefs, such as �I will become old, creepy and increasingly invisible� are roadblocks that function as barriers to anything good happening. Other thoughts, such as �Life is no longer what is once was but it is certainly not yet all it can be� are like lightening rods attracting ebullient people and exciting events.

But what if you�ve suffered one time too many from the no ripple effect and just now you�ve lost your faith in your own magnetic powers to engage and attract? There are many techniques to upgrade your visibility, but one of the most fun is the Art of Seeming. The Art of Seeming gives us permission to play the part of the person we�d like to become just before we really become her. Seeming allows us to transition from our unacknowledged, no ripple self to the woman who makes visible waves.

Here�s how the Art of Seeming recently worked its magic for me. My last vacation took me to a sunny island south of the border where I impulsively joined some young women (including my daughter) for some salsa lessons with a suave and sexy instructor. All of the others were as many years younger as they were pounds lighter than I and none of them seemed to be having my difficulties with the seductive undulations of rib cage and pelvis. Sure enough, my self-deprecating sound track switches on - you know the one that tells me how pitiful I am and berates me for even trying this stuff. The more I mercilessly put myself down, the more I am seized up with physical tension and the less my body parts show any sign of loosening up in this lifetime.

I am about to run away, humiliated and defeated when I remember the Art of Seeming. In a flash, I am no longer a flustered midlifer. I am instead a well known retired dancer from another country. Far from bored or exasperated, the instructor is honored to have me spend my time learning his native dance. He understands that it takes a little while for me to relax the more classic technique in which I have excelled. He is honored that I am making the effort.

My mood, concentration and dancing improve instantly. I move and groove with presence and pleasure to that 1,2,3, beat with none other than the instructor himself as my cavalier.

The Art of Seeming is one of many Be Visible/Stay Visible techniques guaranteed to transform you from fading flower to infectiously joyous vision. You will not only get the attention you deserve, you will enjoy every minute of it.

Here are a few more tips all of which we practice in my popular Be Visible, Stay Visible workshops.

1. Show up Fully � There�s no better visibility tonic that really showing up fully as yourself in the present moment. Regrets about the past, worries about the future make us absent in spirit. Anchor yourself in something sensual � a sight, a fragrance, a sound to help you be here now.

2. Choose a color � We all have a color that shows us off to our best advantage. Make sure that anything near your face has shades of that color. Keep a supply of accessories such as scarves, necklaces, earrings, hats, handbags in the color that lights you up and keep you in focus.

3. Set Your Boundaries � Objects without boundaries are invisible in nature and the same is true for people. Draw clear lines around your personal time and space. Calmly let people know when they are crossing your boundaries and most of all, learn to say no.

4. Be Attractive to Yourself � Visibility don�t mean a thing if you don�t like yourself. Learn to see yourself clearly, to accept all parts of yourself, to make the most of even (or especially) your flaws and quirks.

5. Upgrade your Visible Environment � We are all visible-or not- in a context. Design the lighting, ventilation, d�cor, and electronic equipment of your home and office to help you look and function your best.

6. Choose the Right People � We all need to be around people who both charge our batteries and allow us to disappear when we need to. Choose people who energize, illuminate and let your light shine.

7. Be Aware of Your Thoughts - Learn to free yourself from from any thoughts that are noxious to your visibility and general well-being. Replace self-doubt with a scenario that makes you who you want to be (the Art of Seeming) and use your imagination as a bridge to span the gap.

8. See What�s Unique About Others � One of the best ways to be seen by others is to let them know that you are really seeing them. Take the time to listen and to observe, to respond in a deeply personal way and you will stand out in a crowd.

9. Find a Passionate Purpose � Visibility for its own sake is tedious and shallow. When you have a cause or vision that�s beyond narcissism, your visibility will increase effortlessly as a result.

10. Be a Connector� If everyone in your network knows one another, venture into a different world. Meet new people and then start introducing folks from various circles. The Connector plays a highly visible and much appreciated role in a highly competitive world.

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