Keep The Kids In The Family By Keeping The Ex In Your Corner

Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen

It is well known that divorce is hard. The couple can feel anger, sadness, disappointment, and even embarrassment. This is so true that it is a cliche.

What we don't discuss often, and maybe we should, is the effect that divorce has on extended family. The pain caused by the divorce to grandparents, aunts and uncles is not obvious. It isn't as intense as it is for the principle parties, either. However, extended family members can be treated to some of the couple's problems when family events turn into child possession wars.

When special occasions arise, arrangements for the child's attendance often have to be made with an uncooperative, hostile ex-spouse. Too often, the children cannot join the family because:

1. The noncustodial parent's visitation normally takes place when the family event is scheduled. If you only get to see your kids for 2 weekends a month, you might not be inclined to give up, or even postpone your time with them. This is especially true if the custodial parent is in the habit of making plans with the child during the other parent's visitation time, or has been less than generous when the other parent has asked for concessions.

2. Extended family members have made it clear that they are hostile towards the ex, and the feeling is mutual. . If everyone in the family stayed out of the divorce, and didn't try to make the ex feel like an ant at the picnic, she may be more interested in encouraging the child to participate in their events. It is easier to find it in one's heart to be generous to someone who hasn't been unkind to you. If Grandma blames the ex-spouse for the divorce, and has made her feelings clear, it is doubtful that the ex-spouse will be inclined to look kindly on her request for a favor. If, however Gramma has always been fair, or at least civil, her desire to include the child in a family event won't seem so much like an imposition.

The attitude that "I'm in charge", that often leads to making the extended family jump through hoops to have a relationship with the child can cause extensive damage, not only to the child's relationships while she is growing up, but can also alienate the child from her extended family when she is older and able to make her own attachments.

I have made wils for people who exclude their grandchildren, or even their children from a previous marriage from inheriting. The child has grown up thinking that grandparents aunts and uncles on the noncustodian's side never loved them, and the extended family loses interest in having the child in their lives.Sadly, the normal bonds are severed, not by any desire or action on the child's part, but because the adults in charge of his rearing did not accept that their interests and his were different.

There are things families can and should do to encourage the ex-spouse to let the child remain in the family. To start, staying out of the divorce can be important. If you have witnessed abuse or child endangerment, you have to speak up. However, if your knowledge is the self serving kind typical of a custody fight, you should refuse to testify. The judge won't care whether you like the child's mother or father, or whether he made parenting decisions you didn't approve. If you are subpoenaed, don't try to paint the person who wanted your testimony as an angel, and the other parent as the devil incarnate.

Don't use visits with the child as an opportunity to tell her what a jerk either of her parents happen to be. Even if you are complaining to another adult, chances are that the children will hear what you are saying, and report it back to the custodial parent. Since the custodian is only human, putting him down, or enumerating his faults is only going to convince him that you are a bad influence on the child.

With few exceptions, extended family members do not have any legal rights to have contact with a child. Their contact with a grandchild, niece or nephew is totally dependent on their good relationship with the child's parents. The noncustodial parent will have court ordered visitation, but the times the court gives may not fall on the same day as important family events are scheduled. In short, the person you condemn on the witness stand may be the same person who will decide if the kids will be allowed to attend a family reunion, wedding or funeral. The best way to encourage cooperation in this regard is to keep the doors of friendship open, and not to say anything about the ex that you could later regret.

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