The Joy of An Ex - Red Flags to Watch for in Children
Copyright (c) 2011 Jackie Ramler
Unlike only a few decades ago, it is common amongst children today to have divorced parents . At school for example, upwards of half of the students in any grade may be experiencing this reality. Can you tell which ones if you don't ask? The impacts on young people are obviously significant and may indeed have a long term influence on how they evaluate their lives and themselves. As we can't seem to stem the tide of divorce, at least for the moment, it would seem prudent to try to mitigate the circumstances that may lead to a negative or detrimental outcome.
Ideally in life, we hope to provide a healthy, safe and nurturing environment for our kids in which to grow and thrive and become happy, intelligent adults free from the burdens of confusion, anxiety or frustration. Within a divorce scenario, this is not easy to accomplish. Society has a tremendous expectation of the family, what it is, what it should do and how it should last. The roles that participants must play to achieve this model are influenced by many sources that seemingly result in the undermining of mutual goals and aspirations. These factors are leading to unexpected outcomes that children may be unable to manage on their own.
We therefore are compelled to assist in this process. In order to achieve this we need to develop an awareness of the many ways children and teens demonstrate what we will call 'their pain' as all involved proceed through this unexpected and emotionally charged occurrence. What follows is a list and brief description of some symptoms and behaviors to keep an eye out for.
Withdrawal - Depression is often diagnosed by a significant or noticeable loss of interest in things that were formally enjoyable. If a young person stops doing sports, homework or playing, it is likely evidence that they are experiencing significant sadness. Children and particularly teens are reluctant to show tears or say 'I am sad' however this may be the most accurate description they can offer. Expressions of sadness done openly are remarkably healthy and opportunities to do so should be available. Unusual or altered eating or sleeping patters are further indicators of stress.
Frustration/Intolerance - A short fuse is a clear indicator of personal pain. The ability to delay gratification and work towards desired goals is a character trait that seems less and less prevalent, a reflection of a predominant 'me-now' social trend. A tantrum by a toddler may be the most primitive exhibition of this subject however demonstrations of short attention span or giving up on efforts quickly are suggestive of a destabilized mind. Impatience, ease of distraction or rapid onset of fatigue are also clues to the existence of undisclosed or internal pain.
Opposition/Defiance - Refusal to comply for no apparent gain is a method of protest young people use to demonstrate their displeasure towards someone in authority. As their families break down, for reasons seemingly beyond their control or understanding, they may resist the inevitable through drawing negative attention to themselves. Surprisingly, this can be viewed as an altruistic act, 'throwing oneself on one's sword' so to speak with the subversive desire to reunite parents through a common but conflicted effort. They volunteer, subconsciously maybe, to absorb the animosity or anger that their parents have displayed towards each other. Refusals to compromise or negotiate are additional indicators of displeasure, uncertainty or insecurity.
Dishonesty - As many children and young people are naturally empathetic, they will often assume responsibility or hold blame for things that are most often beyond their control such as relationship breakdown. In short, they assume guilt. This will impact significantly on their developing self-image and esteem. Often a negative self image will lead to behavior that encourages others to reflect back or verify this opinion. Not telling the truth, sometimes so obviously to a parent or teacher, can demonstrate a child under duress. A punitive reaction such as grounding or removal of privileges will have the opposite desired effect and fulfill the expected prophecy of guilt assumed. Dishonesty therefore is acting out to confirm to a child that they have done something to deserve punishment such as causing a divorce or angry responses from their parents towards each other. This needs to be recognized in advance and responded to accordingly.
About the Author
Jackie Ramler is passionate about providing low-conflict resolution and non-court options to divorcing families. A financial planner with specialized divorce financial training, she uses the Collaborative Team Model, an approach that works on behalf of both parties, helping them reach an agreement as quickly as possible. Because no one wins in divorce. For more information and free resources, visit http://www.divorcechoices.com
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